Saying "no" isn't easy. But there are different ways to say "no" to someone's requests without feeling like you've let them down while being realistic and constructive and ensuring the requester feels heard.

I really like this framework of three types of "no" from Judd Antin:

With the Yes No, you say "yes" to the need and "no" to the specific ask. 

So, a child asking for an ice cream may indeed need something to eat even though they might not get an ice cream. Or the request to make the sign-up button larger might well indicate that it's easy to miss, though a better solution may be to change its colour or the layout of the page.

With the Material No, you are saying yes to the request if you have the time/budget/people/tools to do it.

So, you would love to get the kite out of the tree if you had the tools to reach it. Or the request to make an additional change might be possible on the basis that you can push back the launch date or add another person to the team.

With the Priority No, you are saying yes, we can do it as long as we're happy to drop something less important.

So, you can take the extra cuddly bear in the car if we can choose a different one to leave behind. Or that you can do that project on the basis that we postpone another we had planned.

In each type of "no", the intent is to support and meet the needs of the person requesting while clearly explaining the reasoning for what you'd need to get it done. In each case, the "no" leads to valuable discussions of larger issues of what the real need is, what's required to get a job done, and what's really important.

Read Judd Antin's article, How to Say No, in his series One Big Thought.

Here's a version with all three types of "no" in one image and individually The Yes No, The Material No, The Priority No.

Three Types of "No"

Attribution bias includes a set of more specific biases where we may attribute behaviour to fixed personality traits or characteristics of a person rather than specific circumstances or actions. For example, a child may be labelled a genius or gifted when they actually had a supportive environment and worked hard, or someone may be labelled a loser rather than recognising specific circumstances that led to some failures.

Criticism — one of the four horsemen of relationship apocalypse — can become toxic when it's attributed to someone's personality traits. For example, calling someone 'lazy' rather than sharing how it makes you feel when they don't keep the place tidy.

A form of attribution bias may be applied to whole societies via the Destiny Instinct.

Specific examples of attribution bias include the fundamental attribution error and self-serving bias.

Attribution bias

Don't compare your back-of-house with others' front-of-house.

Usually, we only see others' front-of-house, and because we know all about our own house it's easy to find ourselves comparing how we're doing in the back with how others are doing in the front. Often a recipe for unhappiness.

I remember wondering how a friend was so calm before their first child. They said, "I'm like a duck, calm on the surface, but underneath my legs are kicking like crazy."

The truth is we don't know how others are doing so best not be comparing at all.

This idea is inspired by an exercise about the hidden parts of parenting from The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry, though I'm pretty sure as a metaphor it can be quite widely applied.

Front of house, back of house

To feel great joy we have to be ready to feel vulnerable. I found this counterintuitive. As Brené Brown shares, if we can't tolerate joy, if we're not open to being vulnerable, we can find ourselves dress-rehearsing tragedy — when things are at their best we might be telling ourselves that it won't last, we don't deserve it, something will go wrong. An antidote to this she says is to practise gratitude. Be thankful and appreciative of what we have.

For a lightweight intro to some of Brené Brown's work you could do worse than spend an hour watching The Call to Courage on Netflix.

Also see: Hope and Listening with passion

Joy and vulnerability

There are both constructive and unproductive ways to argue. One classic unproductive style is what Philippa Perry, in The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, calls fact tennis. With fact tennis, the goal can seem more like scoring points over your opponent rather than actually finding a workable solution — facts are hit back and forth until one person wins when the other has no more reasons left to counter with. But of course the argument isn't resolved and the result is a hollow victory and a still frustrated loser.

For a more productive argument we can reframe from winning to understanding — we can seek to share how we feel about it, and to understand how the other person feels about the conflict and their point of view, and take that into consideration. When we have a greater understanding we can move forward together to find a workable solution. As Philippa explains "Finding out about differences and working through them is about understanding and compromise, not about winning."

Fact tennis

John Gottman and colleagues identified what he calls the four horsemen of the apocalypse for relationships. They are called this as, left unchecked, they can spell the death knell to a once healthy relationship. In fact, they found that by watching just 3 mins of a conflict conversation between a couple they could predict whether they would still be together years later with over 90% accuracy.

Criticism: framing problems as the partner's defect

Defensiveness: counterattacking, whining, being the innocent victim

Contempt: talking down from a position of superiority, insults, eye-rolling, name-calling — the most dangerous of all

Stonewalling: withdrawing from the conflict, refusing to engage

In my first draft of this sketch I left it at that, but it felt a bit negative to leave it hanging on everything we do that's wrong and harmful. Fortunately, there are antidotes to the four horsemen, the traits they saw the masters at relationships use instead. The Gottman Institute explains the four horsemen and their antidotes in more detail.

Watch John Gottman explain the four horsemen in his own words.

The 4 horsemen of relationship apocalypse

The boss yells at the employee, the employee yells at their spouse, the spouse yells at the child, the child yells at their younger sibling, the sibling yells at the dog, the dog pees on the rug. The term emotional hot potato for this comes from Lawrence Cohen in Playful parenting. Funny how bad moods really can work like this.

Emotional hot potato

Made me think about it in a different way when I read this.

An increasing or compulsive tendency to avoid pain or boredom and replace inner development with outer stimulation.
— Felicitas Vogt

Source: Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne, p.151

Addiction: an alternative definition

Beaches are amazing for play. Every time we go to a beach, I think, if you were to try and design the perfect toy, it would have many of the remarkable attributes of a beach - particularly the self-tidying feature. At some point, I should stop thinking that and just enjoy the beach.

If you like beaches too, you might enjoy the podcast episode fun at the beach where we talked about just what makes beaches amazing.

Beaches: amazing for play

Especially when there’s lots of special effects.

Film credits: the best source of baby name inspiration

This is my own observation — no rigorous research to reference. But, looking at our 2 year old as he’s transitioned from a baby, I’ve been led to think about our times on, say, public transport. A baby will largely only focus on what’s right in front of their faces or directly impinging on their senses. As they grow, the vicinity becomes their circle. So if you’re on the tube, anything within sight in the carriage is fair game for them to fiddle with or want to investigate. But adults are capable of just sitting there - thinking, about things far away, in the future or in the past. It strikes me that small children just can’t do that — life is what’s around them or nothing. Hence endless fidgeting and investigation. Brilliant.

The expanding circle of attention

Lessons from Lewis

If a baby wore 2 reusable nappies per day, that’s nearly 1500 nappies saved from landfill by the time a child is 2 years old. If every baby born in the UK did this, that’s 2.5 Big Ben’s worth saved from landfill.

Save some landfill with reusable nappies/diapers

Seems obvious, but our one-year-old has just been learning it.

Don’t push your socks on. Pull them on instead

It's a wonderful thing how at bedtime one day can be a disaster with a child and you can be the person they least like in the world and the next day, without fail, all is forgotten and you can be their favourite once more. Every day is a clean slate and a fresh start to be nice to each other and do something wonderful together. It's such a refreshing attitude when compared to adults who can willingly or unintentionally hold a grudge for decades.

Don’t hold grudges

Young children have this wonderful and at times incredibly frustrating ability to completely ignore the past, even moments ago, and pay no heed whatsoever to the future. They're a fabulous lesson in living in the present. That they were miserable just now when someone took what they were playing with — doesn't matter any more. That playing in the puddle for longer means you'll miss the bus, and be late for lunch with friends — doesn't matter. All that matters is now.

I have a theory that as we grow older our circle of attention expands.

Live in the present

4 Insights from Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn.

Punishments and rewards are 2 sides of the same coin — and both are unproductive.

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Category: parenting